The six building blocks to self-compassion

No matter how wonderful life is, we all experience our fair share of frustration, disappointment, rejection, loss and failure. When we experience painful thoughts, feelings and sensations we respond in ways that are self-defeating or self-destructive.

Practising self compassion can help us to handle difficult thoughts and feelings more effectively and allow us to appreciate the fulfilling aspects of life.

So how can this be achieved?

1. Acknowledge the wound

Let's take the time to acknowledge that we are hurting: to notice and name our difficult thoughts and feelings and the situations that trigger them. This is an important aspect of flexible attention. All too often we move into avoidance mode - distracting ourselves, numbing ourselves, or otherwise trying to escape from our pain in less than ideal ways.

2. Be Human

Let's validate our pain as a natural and normal part of being human. Our painful thoughts and feelings are not a sign of weakness or defectiveness. They are reminders that we are human and we care. This is what a living, caring person feels when they encounters difficulty in life.

3. Disarm the critic

When we fail, get rejected or make mistakes; when we catch ourselves acting in ways we do not approve of, our mind's natural tendency is to beat ourselves up. It may tell us that we're not being strong enough, or that we should be handling things better; or that others are worse off than we are so we should have nothing to complain about. Disarm the critic by testing those thoughts for rational truth and accuracy.

4. Hold yourself kindly

At the core of self-compassion is the value of kindness. When life is difficult and we're in great pain, we need support and kindness more than ever. So let's talk to ourselves kindly with gentle messages of compassion and understanding, and look after ourselves with gestures or deeds that get us through difficult times.

5. Make room for your pain

When we practice opening up and making room for our pain, this is an act of kindness in itself. It frees up our time and energy so we can invest it in life-enhancing tasks, rather than fighting our pain with self-destructive behaviour.

6. See yourself in others

If we look around with open eyes, we will find that everywhere we turn, people are struggling in ways similar to our own.If we can acknowledge and empathise with their pain, recognise it is part of being human, and appreciate that life hurts, we develop a sense of common humanity. We are not alone.

Source: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dr Russ Harris.

Want to explore this topic further? Download the free 'Hold yourself Kindly’ workbook on the homepage with simple ways to enhance self-compassion during challenging times, including a simple 5-step process to create your own self-compassion exercise.