Navigating uncertainty: Strategies for coping during infertility
The activation of the nervous system through infertility and IVF can’t be underestimated. The endless tests, waiting for calls and updates, and not to mention answers (which are often absent) can create what feels like a never-ending cycle of uncertainty. Living in this state of not-knowing can be a difficult and stressful experience, and it can be hard to know how to move forward and make decisions.
It is also increasingly difficult to organise one’s traumatic experiences into a coherent account - a narrative with a beginning, middle and end, especially when you may be surrounded by (albeit well-meaning) people who don’t fully understand your experience with infertility and treatment. Shame may become the dominant emotion that you feel, and hiding the truth of your experiences may become a central preoccupation.
As Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD, a renowned expert in the field of trauma describes it:
Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is an ongoing reality for the person who has survived it.
When faced with triggering experiences shrouded in stress and uncertainty, finding stability can help. Here are a few strategies to consider:
Connect to the present moment
Connecting to the here and now is the practice of being present and fully engaged in the moment, and can help you to focus on what you can control and let go of things you can't control. It can be formal like mindfulness exercises or meditation, or informal like simply stopping to observe a thought or feeling as it arises. A simple, but effective technique like grounding your senses is a quick and easy technique to engage with the present moment. It can be done anywhere at anytime, and adapted to suit your needs and preferences: Take a deep breath and identify out loud or in your mind 5-things you can see, 4-things you can feel, 3-things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1-thing you can taste.
Connect with others
Social support is an important factor in coping with uncertainty. Finding like-minded folks who are experiencing what we are can really help to validate our experiences, and often sharing your story with strangers is easier! If you feel safe and supported, close friends and family can be a great source of comfort when managing stress and uncertainty. While those closest to us may not fully understand what it’s like to experience infertility, verbalising our experiences may reduce the hold they have on us by simply talking about what is going on.
Create a sense of structure
When uncertainty is high, it can be helpful to create a sense of structure in your life. This can be done by setting daily goals, creating a routine, and staying organised. These don’t need to be monumental tasks and can be simple pleasures that evoke joy like feeling the warm sunshine on your face, or drinking a cup of coffee.
Infertility counselling may help
If you find that you are struggling to cope with uncertainty, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A trained counsellor can provide support and guidance as you navigate difficult times. It can also feel empowering to share your story with someone who doesn’t know you very well so you can be truly honest about your experiences and the impacts they are having on you without judgement.
It's important to remember that uncertainty is a normal part of life, and that we all experience it. The most important thing is to be kind to ourselves and to practice self-compassion.
—Dr. Sarah Woodhouse, Clinical Psychologist and author of You’re not broken.
Read more about the Six Building Blocks to Self-Compassion.
